"My wife's a water sign.  I'm an earth sign.
Together we make mud."
-  Rodney Dangerfield

"I do not like broccoli. And I haven't liked it
since I was a little kid and my mother made
me eat it. And I'm President of the United States
and I'm not going to eat any more broccoli."
-   George Bush, U.S. President, 1990

"A weed is a plant that has mastered
every survival skill except for learning
how to grow in rows."
-  Doug Larson

"I have no live plants in my house.
They won't live for me.
Some of them don't even wait to die,
they commit suicide."
-  Jerry Seinfeld

"My mother's menu consisted of two
choices: Take it or leave it."
-   Buddy Hackett

"Why are husbands like lawn mowers? 
They are difficult to get started, emit foul
smells, and don't work half the time."
-  Author Unknown

"What a man needs in gardening is a
cast-iron back, with a hinge in it."
-   Charles Dudley Warner

"Crabgrass can grow on bowling balls in
airless rooms, and there is no known way to
kill it that does not involve nuclear weapons."
- Dave Barry

"Hard work never killed anyone,
but I don't want to take any chances."
-  Author Unknown

"Bulb: potential flower buried in Autumn,
never to be seen again."
-   Henry Beard

"Gardening requires lots of water -
most of it in the form of perspiration."
-   Lou Erickson

"No man in the world has more courage
than the man who can stop after
eating one peanut."
-   Channing Pollack

"A man should never plant a garden larger
than his wife can take care of."
-   T.H. Everett

"Like a prune, you are not getting any
better looking, but you are getting sweeter."
-   N. D. Stice

"You can lead a horticulture
but you can't make her think."
-  Dorothy Parker

"I bought an ant farm.  I don't know where
I am going to get a tractor that small!"
-   Steven Wright

"A perfect summer day is when the sun
is shining, the breeze is blowing,
the birds are singing, and the
lawn mower is broken."
-   James Dent

"Life expectancy would grow by leaps
and bounds if green vegetables
smelled as good as bacon."
-  Doug Larson

"I have a rock garden.
Last week three of them died."
-  Richard Diran

"I guess cows aren't into the four
food groups, especially when they
are two of them."
-  Anthony Clark

"There's one good thing about snow,
it makes your lawn look as nice
as your neighbor's."
-  Clyde Moore

"When did my wild oats
turn to prunes and all bran?"
-   Lucy Parker

"Women are like fine wine. They
all start out fresh, fruity and
intoxicating to the mind and then
turn full-bodied with age until
they go all sour and vinegary
and give you a headache."
-  Male Author Unknown

"Men are like a fine wine.
They all start out like grapes,
and it's our job to stomp on them
and keep them in the dark
until they mature into something
you'd want to have dinner with."
-  Female Author Unknown

"I always thought a yard was three feet,
then I started mowing the lawn."
-  C.E. Cowman

"Of all the wonders of nature,a
tree in summer is perhaps the
most remarkable; with the possible
exception of a moose singing
"Embraceable You" in spats."
-  Woody Allen

"March isn't the only thing that's
in like a lion and out like a lamb."
-  Probably May West

"I was a vegetarian until I started
leaning towards sunlight."
-  Rita Rudner

"Your first job is to prepare the
soil. The best tool for this is your
neighbor's motorized garden tiller.
If your neighbor does not
own a garden tiller,
suggest that he buy one."
-  Dave Barry

"The philosopher who said that work well done
never needs doing over never weeded a garden."
-  Ray D. Everson

"Vegetarians - nothing wrong with vegetarians.
Some of my best friends are vegetarians.
Admittedly, they're also quadrupeds...."
-  Peter Anderton