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A man purchased an old, run-down, house with plans to turn it into a gardener's paradise. The front and backyards were grown over with weeds, the arbor was falling apart, and all the fences were broken down.  During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man's work, saying, "May you and God work together to make this the garden of your dreams!"   A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the man.  Lo and behold, it's a completely different place.  The house is completely renovated and in excellent condition, there are blooming flowers everywhere surrounded by lush, green lawns. A fountain gently bubbles in a crystal clear pond while birds sing happily atop the new pavilion, some splash in a beautiful bird bath and others still are happily munching on seeds in a classic bird feeder.  "Amazing!" the preacher says. "Look what you and God have accomplished together!"  "Yes, reverend," says the man, "but don't forget what it looked like when God was working it alone!"

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A woman's garden is growing beautifully but the darn tomatoes won't ripen.  There's a limit to the number of uses for green tomatoes and she's getting tired of it.  So she goes to her neighbor and says, "Your tomatoes are ripe, mine are green. What can I do about it?''  Her neighbor replies, "Well, it may sound absurd but here's what to do. Tonight there's no moon. After dark go out into your garden and take all your clothes off.  Tomatoes can see in the dark and they'll be embarrassed and blush. In the morning they'll all be red, you'll see.''  Well, what the heck?   She does it.  The next day her neighbor asks how it worked.  "So-so,'' she answers,  "The tomatoes are still green but the cucumbers are all four inches longer.''

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The other day it was my turn to prepare dinner so I asked my wife to go over to the local market and buy some organic vegetables. She came back rather upset. When I asked her what was wrong she said, "I don't think I like that produce guy. I went and looked around for your organic vegetables and I couldn't find any. So I asked him where the organic vegetables were. "He didn't know what I was talking about so I said, 'These vegetables are for my husband. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?' "And he said, 'No, ma'am. You'll have to do that yourself.'"

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A new garden store was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him some flowers for the grand occasion.  The flowers arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card which said: "Rest in Peace." On seeing this the owner became annoyed, and called to complain."Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, and sorry you were offended," said the florist. "But even worse, somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, "Congratulations on your new location." 

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Two friars are having trouble paying off the belfry, so they open a florist shop. Everyone wants to buy flowers from the men of God so business is quickly booming. The florist across town sees a huge drop in sales and asks the two friars to close their shop, but they refuse. A month later the florist again begs the friars to close because he’s having trouble feeding his family. Again, they refuse, so the florist hires Hugh McTaggert. Hugh is the roughest, toughest thug in town and is hired to “persuade” the friars to close. Hugh asks the friars to close their florist shop. When they refuse, he threatens to beat the crap out of them and wreck their shop every day they remain open, so they close. This proves once again that Hugh and only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

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Two older ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress. One leaned over and said, "Life is so boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $5.00 I'd take my clothes off right now and streak through that stupid flower show!"  "You're on!" said the other old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill. As fast as she could, the first little old lady fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked through the front door of the flower show. Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause. The naked lady burst out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd. "What happened?" asked her waiting friend. "Why, I won first prize for Best Dried Arrangement."

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Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a big hole with dirt when her next door neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you doing there, Nancy?"  "My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully without looking up, "and I've just buried him."  The neighbor was very concerned and a little confused. "That's an awfully big hole for one little goldfish, isn't it?"  Nancy patted down the last heap of dirt then replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat."